The Hero Cu Chulainn...

From my book, --- "Faeries, Warriors, Kings & Queens," which is yet to be published. >>> The Hero Cu Chulainn & Two Of His Remarkable Adventures... Ancient Celtic women and men too were very proud of their good looks. They were as tall as their supposed ancestors the Scandinavians, handsome and well proportioned with long shapely arms and legs, fair white skins and often golden, red or light brown hair and blue, green or gray eyes. Both women and men wore their hair long, short hair being only seen in slaves or prisoners, and they enjoyed caring for their lustrous locks, braiding and even ornamenting them with jeweled clips. Of course, these descendants of the Viking invaders mingled with the mysterious Picts who might have come from Finland and were shorter, more dark haired, wore heavy beards and were tattooed, usually all over their bodies. The Picts were also said to be excellent horsemen, able to ride with just a saddle blanket and no stirrups, and never used a crop. They seemed to have an intrinsic understanding of the nature of horses. ******************* >>> #1 Cu Chulainn (pronounced "Coo Hoo-lon') was said to be the handsomest, the absolutely most handsome man in all Eire, so marvelously and sensationally good looking that noblemen seriously feared he’d fascinate their wives and they’d lose them forever to his charms! (Cu Chulainn had many, many lovers.) He was said to have very shiny black hair, so shiny that it looked as if a cow had licked it! (Yeah, I know, --- a bit weird!) Some accounts described him as small and beardless. Sometimes, he was said to be blond. He was even reported to be very bizarre in appearance, his hair being golden brown at it’s base, bright red in the middle and golden yellow at the crown. It was wound in three large coils at the nape of his neck and hung down from there, gleaming, deep reddish gold and beautiful, over his shoulders, a hundred red-gold curls showing at his neck. It gets more macabre... He had four dimples in each cheek and they were colored yellow, crimson, blue and green. Each of his eyes had seven pupils in it, gleaming like precious jewels. His feet had seven toes. His hands had seven fingers. (This is interesting because seven is the magical faerie number.) His fingernails were said to be very strong, as if they were a mighty griffon’s talons. Cu Chulainn was gifted at his birth with three marvelous things, --- great understanding, calculation and foresight. His original name was Setanta. His father might have been the mortal Sualtam or the Tuatha De Dannan Lugh. His mother was the black haired, blue eyed Dechtire, beautiful sister of Conchobar Mac Nessa, the King of Ulster. Setanta was brought up in Conchobar’s court along with the sons of the Knights Of The Red Branch, an elite order of warriors. He got his name Cu Chulainn when he killed Culann The Smith’s ferocious guard dog in self defense. Yes, from then on he was known as “Cu Chulainn,” or “Culann’s hound,” since he said he would take the hound’s place as a guard until another dog could be found to replace him. It was prophesied that Cu Chulainn would have a short, but glorious life and great fame. In many ways his nature was impossibly harsh. When he was angry his body would radiate intense heat. In a battle frenzy he was said to be like a monster, strange and even deformed and ugly, like an infuriated wasp, fighting viciously, sometimes from a chariot. The following is my expounding on two of the fantastic adventures of the most unusual Cu Chulainn, said to occur somewhere between 30 B.C.E., and 33 C.E. As I told you, Cu Chulainn was considered to be so extremely handsome that nobles of Erie desperately sought out possible brides for him, since they didn't want to compete with him. But, stubbornly, he only showed interest in Emer, the daughter of chieftain Fogall Monach. Fogall Monach very strongly disapproved of the proposed match. To show Fogall Monach that he was worthy to wed Emer, Cu Chulainn had to perform a number of assignments and tasks... The day was bright and clear now that the heavy mists had disappeared from the little valleys of the Alpae, or “The Alps,” the stunning Highlands of Scotland. Cu Chulainn rode along with Laogaire and Conall Cernach. He was to receive special training from the renowned warrior Domnall. The three handsome and muscular young warriors entered Domnall’s impressive stone residence. Servants made them as comfortable as possible after their long journey, giving them mugs of hot ale and showing them to comfortable chairs before a roaring hearth. Cu Chulainn, Laogaire and Conall Cernach sighed with pleasure, propping their long legs on fur covered rests. Unknown to them, Domnall’s daughter, Eilidh, whose name meant “Radiant One,” was watching the visitors from behind a tapestry. Eilidh’s name might have caused people who had poor manners to snicker because she was anything but radiant and lovely. In fact, there was no getting around it. Eilidh was downright homely. Her face looked, somehow, unfinished. It was pouchy and marred by a sallow and muddy looking complexion. Her sweaty skin had big pores like craters, many of these holes filled with yellowish pustles or big blackheads. Eilidh’s almost lashless eyes were small and light brownish gray. Her nose was large and bulbous, even a little reddish purple because she liked to tipple whiskey far, far too much. Under that nose was a little downy mustache. Eilidh’s mouth was a wide thin and pale line, like a fish’s gaping mouth, her hair mousy brown, coarse, sparse, greasy and straight as a reed. Eilidh’s body was squat and lumpish, her fat arms and legs like overly stuffed sausages. In addition to all this gross ungainliness, she had a deep mannish scratchy voice and a pushy, domineering manner. Eilidh was twenty five, far beyond the age when she should have, as a Celtic maiden, been wed. Of course, it was hard for the widowed Domnall to find suitors for her. His head spun in confusion whenever he thought of the plight of his only child, which wasn’t very often. Still, Domnall would have enjoyed having grandchildren, but no man was found for his extremely unattractive daughter, no matter how much he upped her already large dowry. Elilidh desired Cu Chulainn from the moment she saw him. She sighed, and grinned, twisting her fingers together in excitement. Then, she straightened her clothing, smoothed her hair, licked her lips and sashayed forward to greet the three men, swinging her broad hips. They looked up as she approached. All their faces showed alarm. The’d never seen such a homely woman, but they stood, bowing politely. Cu Chulainn, Laogaire and Conall could see from her emerald green linen gown belted with silver links and her heavy necklace of gold and silver beads and river pearls and agates that she wasn’t a servant. She introduced herself as Domnall’s daughter, saying she was his beloved only child. It was obvious to Cu Chulainn, who was used to being flattered by women, that Elilidh fancied him. He stammered, which he seldom did, and asked if Domnall was at home. Elilidh was instantly insulted that Cu Chulainn didn’t seem to want to chat extensively with her. Elildh’s feelings had become very, very sensitive over the years. She haughtily left the young men’s presence and went to see if she could find her father. She found him with a horse he’d just bought, a beautiful dapple gray mare. There was gentle love in Domnall’s eyes as he stroked the mare’s smooth back. “I’ve decided to call her Muire, --- such a poetic name,” he said, dreamily, without looking at Elilidh. “Yes, yes, yes, Father!” Elilidh scowled, loudly. Sometimes, Domnall wasn’t at all warrior-like. Sometimes, he reminded her of a reculsive scholar or a even, --- yes, even a monk! He didn’t carouse, in drinking matches or rough games like other men did. He was almost too mild tempered for a warrior, who Elilidh thought should have some enticingly rough edges. “The men you were expecting are here, --- the famous Cu Chulainn and two others. They’re waiting for you in the house.” “Oh, really?” Now, Domnall gazed at his daughter. He sighed. “Alright, alright, I’m coming.” He nodded, reluctantly, to the stable boy, Garth, to take yhe lovely Muire. Her father moved quite rapidly when he wanted to. Elilidh had to rush to keep up with him. “Cu Chulainn is very, very dashing and handsome!,” she gasped. Domnall stopped, gazed at his daughter. “Not again, Elilidh, --- please, please, please!” She put her hands on her hips. “And, why not?” “Have you thought of seeking a religious life? You could join an order of druids. I’ve talked to Ishbel, the head Druidess at Green Glen. Ishbel would be willing to take you immediately. Druidry is a delightful and rewarding vocation, the ancient mysteries, the powerful magic done in the light of the full moon, --- just beautiful, so inspiring!...” “My vocation is to be a wife and mother! I have no religious calling! REALLY, REALLY FATHER! YOU KNOW THIS!” “You may want to be a wife and mother, but, face it, it doesn’t seem as if you will ever be! We’ve been trying and trying to find you a husband for how long?” Elilidh looked down at her feet, shuffled her large, splayed feet stuffed into dainty silk slippers in the soft dirt. “How long as it been, Elilidh? Tell me!” Elilidh’s voice, for once, was small. “Since I was fifteen.” She sniffled a bit, a drop of snot fell from her nose. “Yes, it’s been years, ten incredible long years, Elilidh! Give up! And, you don’t want any of the men I’ve suggested!” “They were old, dull and ugly!” Domnall sighed. “You seek the best young men and they don’t want you! If you truly, truly want a husband, Elilidh, you may have to accept less than you think you need!” She stomped her foot. “I have fine qualities and, --- and, and I WON’T TAKE LESS THAN I DESERVE!” “Then, prepare to be disappointed again and again and again!” “I really like this Cu Chulainn! Please, please, ask him for me!” “NO! He’s here to learn combat techniques, not to get a wife! Besides, he’s practically betrothed to Emer, the daughter of Fogall Monach! It’s common knowledge that Fogall Monach’s daughter Emer has captured his heart so that he refuses all others!” “That doesn’t matter.” Domnall was incredulous. “It doesn’t?” “Father, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! I WANT HIM SO BADLY!” “NO, NO, NO! YOU’RE BEING RIDICULOUS, ELILIDH!” Domnall continued on his way to the house. But, Elilidh didn’t give up. She tried to fascinate Cu Chulainn in any way she could. His friends Laogaire and Conall gazed at him with sympathy, but were secretly very glad that Domnall’s incredibly unappealing daughter hadn’t set her nasty cap for them! And, the embarassment of Cu Chulainn’s disinterest in Elilidh went on and on and on... Elilidh missed no opportunity, no matter how small, to meet with Cu Chulainn in private. She even stumbled on him when he was bathing in a stream. Elilidh pretended to be modesty shocked as a tender maiden should be at the sight of a totally nude man, but she was actually thrilled, of course, practically salivating. It was a shame that she had such a strong sex drive. So did Cu Chulainn, but not strong enough that he’d actually want Elilidh! Finally, Elilidh started to be present when Cu Chulainn was practicing his combat skills with Domnall, Laogaire and Conall. Domnall had to speak to her in the strongest possible way to not distract the sparing warriors. Elilidh fluttered her bulging eyes. She’d misunderstood. She thought it was her attractiveness that disturbed the young men! She had begun brushing her sparse hair one hundred strokes every night and using special facial creams and perfumes. Surely, those things were working! She was getting prettier and prettier and prettier! She just knew it! Then, one day, Elilidh surprised Cu Chulainn coming back from the privy. He was adjusting his clothing so he didn’t see her when she jumped out at him. She simpered, and maneuvered him against the barn wall, tried to kiss him. Cu Chulainn pushed her away. She socked him hard on the jaw. He staggered, rubbed his face. “You’re not a nice woman, Elilidh!” “Huh! Do you want me for a wife, or not?,” she asked roughly. “What are you talking about?,” Cu Chulainn asked, puzzled. “I haven’t given you any encouragement!” “You’ve been eyeing me! You know you have! Don’t try to deny it!” “I haven’t! You’re, --- you’re totally mistaken!” “Liar, liar, foul liar! You, --- you villain, you wretched womanizer, you compromised me!” “What! I never, --- I didn’t!” “That doesn’t matter a fig! I’m telling my father that you attacked me, that you raped me! Then, you’ll have to marry me!” “You wouldn’t do that!” Cu Chulainn’s eyes with their many pupils dilated. Yes, --- all seven of his pupils dilated hugely. Then, he narrowed his glittering eyes. “Would you?” “I would! I WOULD! I’m sick of waiting for a husband! I asked around! You’re famous, not only for your prowess as a warrior, but also for your, --- your wonderful skills in bed!” “Your father won’t believe that I seduced and raped you! And, even if he did, I’m not marrying a domineering woman who has a purplish nose that looks just like a, --- like a big old, wrinkled turnip!” Elilidh drew back her knee as if to ram Cu Chulainn in his stones, but he quickly grabbed her leg and twisted it. She went down shrieking with fury. This brought the groom and blacksmith from the barn. Elilidh righted herself, pointed a finger at Cu Chulainn and accused him of taking her maidenhead, and, now, attacking her. The blacksmith and groom were mortified, didn’t know what to say. Cu Chulainn was speechless with fury, shaking as if the wasp rage was about to overpower his senses. Then, he gained control of himself, and scowling, pulled his tunic down over his hips and thighs, stuck his head out like a bull and charged to the house. Elildh wasted no time in telling her father about her confrontation with Cu Chulainn. Of course, Domnall knew what his sly, bold daughter was capable of and called her bluff. He said that if Cu Chulainn was truly guilty of stealing her maidenhood he would, indeed, be honor bound to marry her. Elilidh grinned widely and jumped up and down with joy at hearing this! She thought she had Cu Chulainn! Then, Domnall said there would be one little condition. Elilidh would be immediately examined by Morven, the woman who was head of the household staff. Elilidh gasped, struggled as she was hustled away by two servants, one on either side of her. She was screaming that since she’d already been horribly violated by Cu Chulainn, the examination would be like another violation. Elilidh was taken to her bedroom. Morven checked her, reported that Elilidh was intact, a virgin still. Elilidh stayed in her bedroom until morning feeling positively humiliated. The next day, she came out, acting very proud and very arrogant. She avoided Cu Chulainn and his friends for the rest of the time that they were at her father’s house. Yet, on the day that they left to journey farther into the Highlands to meet with the martial arts teacher and magical goddess Scathach, (pronounced “Scaw-ha”) Elilidh again confronted Cu Chulainn. She got right up in his face. “I’ll get you for what you did to me!,” she hissed. “See if I don’t, you scummy, stinking pig’s ass! You have one last chance to marry me!” “NO! NO! NO!,” Cu Chulainn shouted, knowing Elilidh’s threat was an empty one. Elilidh spat at him, missing entirely, and turned on her heel, leaving for her room. Cu Chulainn shook his head, mounted his horse. Domnall came out of the house to bid the young men farewell, telling them they were welcome to stay again with him, any time. --- Re-telling of an ancient tale, copyright 2026, by Sorelle Sucere. ******************** >>> #2 --- Scathach was one of the gigantic and mgnificent Tuatha De Dannan and a close friend of the goddess Brighid (pronounced "Breehid"). She was a six foot, seven inch warrior beauty with flashing eyes of a glorious golden amber and lush, wavy dark red hair, almost crimson. Her body was firm, yet feminine with a muscular frame. Her skin was as pale and smooth as the petals of a wild white rose. She welcomed Cu Chulainn and his friends to Dun Scaith meaning “The Fortess Of Shadows”, her massive home which was thought to be on the Isle of Skye. There she taught them many wonderful fighting skills, --- including pole vaulting to breach walls and underwater fighting with a special harpoon that Scathach invented. Scathach also emphasized the importance of magic in the life of a unique prince of warriors such as Cu Chulainn most certainly was. Scathach had a beautiful daughter, a daughter who was almost as spectacular looking as she was. The daughter’s name was Uathach. Her stature was also very tall, her eyes green as new apples and her masses of hair were golden auburn, the color of the setting sun. Scathach had given Cu Chulainn her magical, deadly spear, the Gae Bulg. It was when Cu Chulainn was practicing with the spear, showing his great athletic ability that Uathach started to truly appreciate him. They began a torrid affair that was somewhat forbidden because Uathach already had a long time suitor, but a man almost twice her age, whose name was Cochar Croibhe. Cu Chulainn and Uathach were tussling delightfully on the soft furs of her big bed one day. Cu Chulainn was a magnificent lover. Most of the time he was careful with his great strength so as not to overwhelm his paramours, but for some reason, this day he was not as cautious as he usually was. Uathach screamed in sudden pain and shock as his powerful grip, accidentally broke two of her fingers. Uathach’s beautiful eyes went wide. She gasped, threw herself backward against the furs. “You broke my fingers, Cu Chulainn!” He took her hand, stroked it gently, tried to kiss it. “No-no-no, my darling Uathach! Tell me I didn’t!” “Let me go!” She rolled over, her injured hand beneath her. “Please, please, forgive me! I didn’t mean to, lovely one!” “You still did it!” “I’m so, so sorry! I was in the throes of passion!” Uathach groaned. “Cu Chulainn, you adorable brute, sometimes you might think to throe just a little less!” At that moment, Cochar Croibhe, Uathach’s formal suitor, rushed into the room, followed by Scathach. Cochar was infuriated to find Uathach with Cu Chulainn. When he saw his sweetheart Uathach with her lovely hair mussed and her silky cheeks flushed like a pink rose in full bloom, her soft lips seemingly swollen from many passionate kisses and in bed with the famous hero Cu Chulainn he began to stomp around and tear at his hair. And, what really, really upset him was that Uathach didn’t seem a bit abashed. In fact, she was defiant, as if she was even proud to be compromised by Cu Chulainn! The humiliated Cochar immediately challenged Cu Chulainn to a duel to the death. Scathach looked on all this drama impassively. She had a gorgeous daughter who was full of life and vivid emotions. She shrugged, agreed that a single combat between Cochar and Cu Chulainn would take place tomorrow. The next day Cu Chulainn met Cochar Croibhe on the cleared field behind Scathach’s castle. The fight was short. Cu Chulainn hadn’t wanted the contest, but Cochar, in his fury, had insisted. Cochar fought wildly, recklessly. Cu Chulainn dispatched him easily, wiping the blood off his sword with a kind of angry sadness. After that, Uathach accepted Cu Chulainn as her man, but Scathach would give Cu Chulainn no dowry for her daughter. There would be no marriage. Cu Chulainn’s heart was fixed on Emer. It was well known that he would have no other woman. It was unthinkable to him. In the meantime, Aoife, Scathach’s beautiful twin sister and bitter enemy, in fact, her life’s nemesis, mounted an offense against her, seeking her territory. Aoife and her forces lined up in front of Dun Scaith, banging on their shields with their swords and shouting in great fury. Scathach and her warriors yelled their defiance from the walls of her fortress home. Aiofe viciously taunted Scathach, saying that her sister was afraid to come out to face her on the battlefield. Scathach replied that she was unafraid of Aoife, that she would meet her with her forces in the open. It was a long and extremely bloody battle. Scathach was gravely wounded and this was serious because although she was a goddess and a De Dannan, she still could die in battle. Aoife, bleeding too, but not seriously. She raised her sword for the killing blow to her sister. Cu Chulainn, seeing this, charged between Scathach and Aoife. Thrusting his sword, he took the strike meant to kill Scathach on the edge of his blade. “Cu Chulainn, you vile meddler, how dare you interfere with a confrontation between sisters! This is our fight! Our’s, you hear, not your’s! Stay out of it! If my twin sister, Scathach, the disgrace of my family, dies today than it’s fate! Yes, yes, yes, fate that has decreed that only one of us should live and the other, the blasted duplicate, die!” Cu Chulainn gritted his teeth as he smashed his heavy broad sword again and again into Aoife’s. And, Aoife blocked each of his mighty blows, again and again; she was truly and worthy opponent. Another warrior dashed in, pulling the groaning Scathach to safety. Cu Chulainn engaged furious Aoife. They fought a deadly single combat as both sides, Aoife’s forces and Scathach’s, silently and grimly watched. Finally, finally, Cu Chulainn tripped the exhausted Aoife. She went down with the blade of Cu Chulainn’s sword at her throat. “Yield!,” he shouted. “Lay with me, until you are pregnant with my child and I’ll spare your life!” She was silent. “Do you really , really want to die?” “No!,” Aoife yelled. “Then, yield and agree to my demands!” She nodded, resigned. The battle was over. Cu Chulainn removed the blade from Aoife’s throat, reached down a hand, helped her up. He tossed her over his mighty shoulder and walked away with her. Scathach was tended by her skilled physician and wise woman the druidess Siobhan. Scathach spent many days flat on her back, hardly moving while Siobhan fed her beef tea and herbal brews made of wild thyme and marjoram, lavender, fennel, chamomile, and some secret ingredients powerful with magic. And, she continually bathed Scathach’s side which had been deeply gashed by Aiofe’s blade, with the warmed juice of apples that had been set out under the light of the full moon. Siobhan dressed Scathach’s wound with bandages smeared with dark honey, which was known to discourage the forming of pus and putrification. Later she made a cool poutice of caileath mead, or wood anemone, laying it on the wound. Slowly, Scathach recovered. In a only a month she was already beginning to feel like her old self. Fortunately, De Dannan skin didn’t scar, no matter how badly it was gashed or torn and eventually Scathach’s long sleek side would be as silky and unmarred as it ever was. Now, of course, Aoife was just as gorgeous as her twin sister Scathach and once she was cleaned up after her fight with Cu Chulainn and her many cuts tended, she donned a lovely gown made entirely of silver threads and studded with jewels and went, as she promised, his bed. In time, Aoife bore Cu Chulainn a handsome red-headed son who she named Connla, who was to be Cu Chulainn’s only child. --- Re-telling of an ancient tale, copyright 2026, by Sorelle Sucere.